you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize