I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
