I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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