I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
