on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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