Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
