My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
