Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
