fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
