also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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