I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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