Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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