sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
