just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
