did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
