ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pooping to opera.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize