i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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