Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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