I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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