I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
