I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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