Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
