Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
