Soap is not a condiment
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
