Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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