Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
