so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
