My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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