but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
