he wants to bone in the snuggie
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize