my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
