I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know her cup size but not her name....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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