she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
