I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
