We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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