listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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