Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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