the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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