We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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