are you still at the devil's house?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
