I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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