and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
