Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
