I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I enjoy the company of your penis
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
