i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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