She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
