We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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