1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
