capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
