My liver just broke up with me...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
