I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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