The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
