he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
