This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
