Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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