I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
