So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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