i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
