$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize