Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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