I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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