Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize